King

Spinning Times

2006-10-20T12:26:00.000-07:00

Having this title put up most of the time just makes this blog sound a little bit dull and repetitive. But of course, it's titles like these which make me feel like typing out a bunch of crap which probably a couple of my friends will read it.

Since my birthday, there has been a great amount of change. More noticeably during these couple of weeks. Responsibilities have been piling up, and yet, I have been able to cope with it and work around it. For instance, having juggle my salary and savings with the expendiatures of going for a trip with the company to Bali for 6 days, car insurance and road tax, gym membership fee, mom's birthday present to be, a road trip over the weekend and of course my year ending plan of going to Singapore for a Christmas with Singaporean chiqs. Hopefully, the amount of finances which is going into that trip will be worth it.

So, yes, my company is going to Bali for 6 days. Of course, before this decision, we were asked to choose between Bali, Melbourne or Sydney, Maldives or Mauritius. Seeing that I'm not much of a beach person, I opted for Melbourne at the start. This of course is because I'm absolutely in love with "kwai lo" countries. But I then got news that Maldives is the place where the hottest chics are and they are there to sunbathe! But before I got my chance to say that I had a change of heart in our destination, we suddenly got an email saying, "Ok! We're all going to BALI!! Wooohoo!!". Of course, if it was Bali from the start, I would have no problem. I would have loved the idea of just being able to go for a trip after only joining the company for 4 months and just got confirmed a couple of weeks ago. But, having thrown in all the options of the other destinations, of course Bali would be like asking us to go to Kelantan or something. Nevertheless, a trip is a trip, and I'm very thankful to the company for bringing me along.

And YES, I did join the gym very recently. Probably caused by the sudden spark of responsibility in me telling myself that I should take control of my life and not just leave it lying around and enjoying myself while waiting for fruits to drop. I have to fix my problems myself! Of course starting the gym would help me achieve what I'm looking for, so I had to. Now if only I had the determination to go there at least 3 times a week for the next 3 years. We'll see about that.

Finally, the year end is approaching. Things to look forward to are the few Advertising Awards Shows, the return of my buddies from Australia, the time where bonus'es are possible, the time where EVERYONE is on holiday, the time where everyone is just so jolly BECAUSE they're on holiday, and of course, not forgetting that Chinese New Year is around the corner. =P

Life is just going smoothly at the moment. With the exception of those few decisions which make it a little hard, it's all a learning experience which I love to absorb and I think doing things like these make me wiser. So instead of just growing older, I'm adding my wisdom along with it.

Friends, although not many close ones, have been there for me. Excluding the occasional few which just irritate the craps out of me, the rest have been making my life a wee bit happier. Of course, throwing in a girl in that picture would just boost the happiness rating by a huge ratio, but I still have to keep in my head the thought of "Patience is Golden".

Quarter a Century

2006-08-21T09:27:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to run away from this reality for a very long time. At least for a year. But it has finally arrived, and I am now officially 25. It's not a very nice number for me because it seems that the ratio for my number of achievements to my age is not nicely balanced. After being this age for just over a day, thoughts about being alittle bit more responsible and spreading wiser thoughts to my friends have been flying around in my head. There is no turning back and it's a road I have to face with sufficient bravery.

This 25th has been a very very memorable birthday. Firstly and mainly because of a surprise party/BBQ which was held for me. Never before in my previous 24 years have I ever had friends throw me a surprise party. The original plan was for me to buy them dinner as an annual gesture to just let them know that it's my birthday. But, never did I expect a diversion to a friends grandma's house to do a quick drop off before reaching our eating destination which in the end resulted to a walk-in to a BBQ which I just mentioned to a friend "eh, got BBQ over there.. let's crash it man" (this of course was just me joking). And all of a sudden the lights were turned on and alot of familiar faces were in there. I got really shocked and finally understood that it was actually a surprise for me. Although I had put on my usual "expressionless" face, I was really really shocked from the inside. I was left speechless for at least 5 minutes and I didn't know what to say because I didn't like people going through so much trouble for me. Made me feel alittle guilty. But of course, seeing that it was my birthday, I gratefully appreaciated the thought.

Of course, with the ups, there are also the downs. Mainly more downs of course, this was because it has been an annual ritual for me to know that I'm extra lucky on my birthday, but I was proven wrong this time as I lost alot on some wagers. Felt like shit at first, but then I realised that it will never be the same every year. It's a lesson which I have learnt and kept for later purposes.

It was a fairly OK birthday, with alot of people calling or messaging me. Mostly people which I haven't had contact with for ages. Not knowing their intentions for the call, but seeing that it's my birthday, I had to let it slide.

My only greatest disappointment this birthday was for NOT receiving a gesture in a form of a sms, a call or anything of that sort from a person which I recently thought that I had fixed some bad blood(non-talking terms) with. Originally I thought that maybe that person was busy, but up till the end of my birthday, which was 40 minutes ago when the clock struck 12, I finally decided that this just meant that the person just never cared. I was foolish enough to think that things were just on the way to being OK, but I guess I was wrong again and betrayed yet again. For that, my 25th birthday just became one of my most depressing yet happy birthday. Which is the reason for me to call this my most memorable birthday.

Thanks alot to those who bothered, disappointments for those who didn't.

By the way, this is the guys who gave me my surprise. Thanks again.

Times are changing YET again

2006-07-31T05:03:00.000-07:00

It's been pretty much a hell of a week.. or maybe 2 weeks. From a PCD concert, Miss Malaysia/World Dinner, alittle bit of Clubbing and alot of going out. It's been pretty fun being a different person from what I usually am. Somehow with a couple of my friends being back from Melb, I seem to change. I don't know how long will this last, but hopefully as long as possible. Changing in a sense that I'm nicer, friendlier, somehow more on the same channel as them. It feels good. Need to make it last!

It seems that I've put this writing alittle too long on hold till I've lost all my words. I've been wanting very badly to say things about what happened, progresses and the works, but don't feel like it, so I might re-do this alittle later, for now, it's just been a cool week and of course with the addition of meeting up a few people which I have missed dearly, just tops it all off. Need more of those around.

Road TRIPS!!!

2006-07-06T09:13:00.000-07:00

Things have been on a high currently. Mainly sparked by my 3 weekend road trips with a bunch of buddies which could just make my life alittle more interesting. Destinations are Genting, Melaka and Ipoh. Have already gone for the first and it's pretty fun to just let go of everything and just have fun. Not caring about what the gang would think about me if I did whatever I did. Just have fun. Things would naturally fall into place from there. Although it's not very easy to just turn off everything and have fun with this group, at least I try hard enough. I predict a disappointment soon, but I doubt I'm gonna let myself get affected by this. I have to push myself over walls now in order to live my life in a sanely fashion.

Everything seems to be on a high as well in terms of everything else. Financially would be the key aspect of course. Also, confidence with people around me seems like a big factor. Gives me more courage to do other things as well. I guess these kinda things usually happen in a chain. More money would mean more confidence which would mean friendlier and happier which would mean everything is going right. Sounds alittle wrong to be putting everything in it for the money, but I guess life sorta revolves around that?

I have alot to say, but seeing that I'm alittle happy, I block out everything which I want to complain about because it might just drop the mood alittle. Really don't wanna do that because road trip number 2 is coming up in a meer 36 hours or possibly less. Just block block block. =)

Btw, finally met up with my ex-classmate/ex-colleague/close friend after a long time. Feels good to see her again and talk about things we used to talk and just do things to irritate her like how I did last time. Although no other meets will be any time soon, at least it just made me happier again. Yet another plus point in this blog.

I really hope that this stays up for a pretty long time because I really don't wanna be posting about stories which I usually complain about. =) Enjoy the weekend!

Updates from the Beginning

2006-06-27T05:24:00.000-07:00

Things have certainly been different after being able to start over and do things right. New place, New attitude, New environment and New ME! Having set right a thing which I should have done before, I have. I feel like a heavy boulder has been lifted from my chest and I see the world in a better light now. Although those are words that might hurt, but I'm only doing it more as a return favour.

Having this new environment and new people around me is pretty ok. Although I'm still trying very hard to get used to it, its a pretty fun process. The World Cup just makes things alittle easier though... more topics. =) Hope it'll all turn out well in due time.

Of course, another important thing which has happened to me is that I think I've found something that I've lost. Although I don't know if it's a good thing that I did that, but at least it's better than having nothing at all to look forward to. I'm on dreamland and it might be alittle dangerous. I think it's time I get back to reality and stop pushing my hopes high or else I might just fall deep into a trap of confusion and darkness. We'll see how that goes.

Keeping this super short, I've got nothing else to say.

Eve Of a NEW Beginning

2006-06-13T00:45:00.000-07:00

So tomorrow will be the day that I start off in a new company. After 2 weeks of relaxing and time wasting holiday, it's finally back to work. Although I'm not pretty sure if I'm able to charge up my thinking cells, I have to try and make it work at the new place. I'm scared to face the change but yet it's gonna be a hell of an experience. Also, juggling the different hours of sleep alongside with the World Cup, going to work might be alittle tough. =P

Well, these past 2 weeks have given me alot of time to think about alot of things. Thinking about the mistakes I might have done previously. Although I feel like changing the things I have said and done, I believe it will be useless if I were given another shot to do the same things over again. I would have failed terribly. I have learnt that the things I have done were for a reason. I did it not because I was childish and immature at that time, but because I felt used and was lied to. I hate being lied to. I hate people breaking promises. I hate people saying that they'd never do things, but end up doing it. So, I guess what I did was right. No regrets on whether I should have turned back and said sorry.

It's time to start over. Adapting to a new environment is obviously gonna be really hard but the guys over there seem easy to accomodate so hopefully I'll perform to their expectations. Finger crossings aside, I believe I have the strength and the mindset to do this with my eyes closed, so let's MOVE TOWARDS THE FUTURE.

I Finally Did IT

2006-05-31T09:26:00.000-07:00

Well, it's finally over. My 3 long year of working for my beloved company is over. I finally drew up enough courage to actually resign. To take up the offers which have been coming my way all the while but i just pushed away. So, I really decided that it's about time to move on and leave it all behind for possibly a better life, a better future and most probably a happier environment.

With my leaving, I obviously leave behind alot of things which I dont' like. Obviously, saying things like these out would be pretty bad. But there are also numerous things which I dread leaving behind. After having drinks on the last day, I'm feeling pretty shitty. Feeling that I shouldnt' have done this. Of course, when I'm sober, I'd know that I was just being stupid. But, having to leave things behind is really not fun. Having left behind my biggest issue I had in my life there says it all. It's really a relieve to leave it, but after doing so, I regret not doing things properly, not fixing things up and leaving properly, and of course, regret not being to say things which I've always wanted to say to someone. If only I could turn back time.

So, with that in mind, I would really like to say that it's been a pleasure working with the people at AA Ex and I'm pretty sure I won't be able to find something as nice as this, but hopefully very very close. Thanks for the teachings, love, chances and friendships along the way as well. It will always be remembered.

Changing Times

2006-05-15T09:06:00.000-07:00

Times are changing, people are changing, lifestyles are changing, well basically everything is changing. I think it's finally time for me to do it. After delaying and pushing away a decision which I should have made 2 years ago, I've finally decided to step up to the plate and take a swing at reality. And after a week of talks, I was offered a chance to join another place for me to expand and learn new things.

Getting the offer did make me think of alot of things. Mainly, leaving behind alot of things in my current place. Seniority, Respect, Familiarity, Ease, Confidence and my experience. Well, technically, not my all my experience, but just the experience of doing the same things over and over till I can just close my eyes and I know what I'm doing is right. It's gonna be hard to move, but it's something I have to do or it'll never happen. Feels good to finally say that things will be changing since everything around me has been changing and moving on except me, always being left behind and looking at how happy people are on the other side of the fence due to their shifting.

Also, I feel that a new lifestyle is in order. A change in alot of things. The way I think, the way I respond to things, the way I feel, the way I make friends. Everything basically. It's time for a NEW LEAF! Feels good saying it, only hopes it feels as good doing it.

Hopefully, this will be a good move. I might have alot of expectations, but so do they. Hopefully, it'll be equally satisfied when the time comes. Like I said, it's time to step up and take a swing. I'm also trying to put my past behind me. My past of people leaving. My past of anguish. My past of disappointments. This is gonna be pretty cool. Let's just hope the transitions run smoothly. With my leaving and my joining of another.

*Fingers Crossed*

People Always Leave

2006-04-20T10:12:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've said anything in here. Reason being that there was nothing THAT bad or good happening, which just didn't make me feel like saying anything at all. But, that time has come yet again. Just recently, I started recalling back a select few incidents which will go into the topic of "People Always Leave". This phrase of course comes from the series, One Tree Hill and it's something which I think is a good way of representing how I feel. This is the sketch from the movie.

Of course, this thought has been sparked by the leaving of a really really close friend. Someone I feel that I have made a mistake by not noticing how she thinks or feels. By just being my usual self and in result, come out with a bad ending. Something which I've never noticed, my personal behaviour, makes me pretty much pissed that I was blind. Thankfully, that person did point it out, or else, I'd still be in the dark of why these things are happening. At least now I can change for the better, although it's a little too late to change what has already happened. Just wish I could turn back time and make the reason of that person leaving NOT me. All my fault, and this is punishment.

Besides this person, every person I get close to will also leave eventually. Proven time and time again, I think it's probably a curse which I have. Or maybe it's just my need to cling and attach myself to somebody. I think it's my biggest weakness which I desperately need to improve on. Let's see if time can change this. Anyways, these thoughts which are running through my head is just getting me realy zoned out, so I really have nothing else to say except..

"People ALWAYS Leave"

Amazing Thailand

2006-01-11T08:03:00.000-08:00

Just recently having a company trip to Bangkok really opened up my eyes. Well, not fully, but still enough to see the other side of an asian culture which I feel is very interesting and a life I wouldn't mind living. Having 4 days of enjoying the beautiful city has told me that Malaysia is actually a very boring place. Well, of course this is caused by the Halal rule. Somehow, it seems that people over in Bangkok just party alot much better. Having alcohol sold on the streets where you can just sit there and have a nice cooling beer and enjoy watching the night life walk past you. Something where you can never find in Malaysia. Stuff is cheap, alcohol is EXTRA cheap, PORK is EVERYWHERE and well, a variety of historical and new age stuff.

Having that 4 days along with my colleagues was actually more fun than I expected. Originally, I was planning for a boring, hanging out in hotels kinda environment, but after a while, things changed and it just made the trip a whole lot better. Getting to know my colleagues alittle bit more, knowing what makes them tick, and also of course wat pisses them off. But I have to also learn that there are alot of things which I should just leave alone. I only wish now that I would be able to go back to Thailand with my own friends which will probably make the trip alittle bit more enjoying. Of course this will cost alittle bit more, but I'm sure it'll be worth it. Because then I won't have to worry about missing the bus or missing the dinner. Just pure fun.

And so, after a nice vacation, I have discovered that there are alot of things in my life which I don't need. Or which I shouldn't care about. I think that this is my wake up point. Or my final wake up point. I feel much better now. Much happier, less worries, learning to enjoy myself with friends that just want to have fun. I find that worrying about something too much might bring you down, and that will also include your friends which you are around with. It's not a very nice thing to do, so no more of this.

Chinese New Year is coming, and I just love this time of the year. Maybe it's because of the money that'll be flowing in, but I think it's just the tradition of having to do things the same every year. Of course, this year will be alittle different because I won't be going back to my home town this time which is the first in 24 years. It's going to be a bit different, but I'm still gonna make it my best.

So, I kinda have to reply a testimonial given to me by someone who I consider a really cool friend. A person which doesn't like to think too much about problems and actually just enjoying her life. I respect that, and I finally understand why things are left behind sometimes in order to enjoy your life. Although I ain't gonna write the testimonial right now, I'm sure you'll understand right ma'am? I'll do it when it's the right time. But thanks alot for the testimonial anyways, I'll make sure I change the pictures. And hope to see you soon. =)

Equal Balance

2005-12-10T14:21:00.000-08:00

So, things have been on unstable grounds lately. Well, more good than bad luckily. But, it all started with the MVA's. The MVA is an award show which is meant to honor those who have work hard and those who have the talent in the production side of the advertising line. I recently decided to set my first ever life goal, which is to obtain a MVA Trophy in Gold for Sound Design. This year though, I felt that alot of politics were played. With a few companies. Well, I didn't get it obviously, but I'm pretty OK with the winner for his superb work from my competitor company. I was alittle disappointed to not get nominated though, which was my main aim for this event this time. But, I guess there will always be next time. I do intend to do some changes in order for me to obtain my award.

Nevertheless, things are starting to move around me. I'm no longer stuck in that deep hole which I used to be in. I finally got myself out of it and even took a shovel to close up that damned hole. Feels good. Feels refreshing. Feels like me being myself again. I have had alot of time taken up by work though. It just suddenly seems that EVERY damned day is a monday at work. Although it's good in a way to take my mind off things, give me more experience and get me closer to my real friends, it is still just alittle too tiring. Nowadays, I look forward to my weekends at home alone, where I'll be watching some series on my pc and having a beer alone. Sounds like I'm hiding, but it feels really good.

I've recently also been taking a new look at things. Getting closer to the family, taking care of them, making moves that will brighten my future and just enjoying life. I did plan to get myself into a holiday at the end of the year, but seeing that none of my friends are willing to commit to booking a flight ticket, I think I'll either have to postpone it, or maybe just grab a couple of them and just go. Let's just hope I get to do it in time. If I don't, there's always the company trip in January which I could probably look forward to. Just hope I get alot of time to do my own things on that trip, or else it'll just be a waste.

So, it's pretty late and I can't think that much, but I just wanna say that I'm happy. Well, not HAPPY happy.. but SATISFIED happy.. which is something I'm ready to live with. Hopefully things will change to being HAPPY happy.. but I don't mind the wait.

Things in General

2005-11-24T00:16:00.000-08:00

I have a friend, who had previously helped me in a problem I once thought I couldn't face. She gave me advice and made me realize what I was doing wrong. I really apreaciate what she has done. But now, she has her own problems arising. Nearly but yet not the same. I have comments but I doubt it will be able to help. But I guess most of the comments will be the same. Firstly, life is filled with challenges, and when you overcome 1 you become wiser. These kinda things happen with age. Secondly, choices made are usually stupid, but I guess that's just how things are. I even think that sometimes if you make too many right choices, you'd probably end up in trouble somehow as well. Thirdly, being young, you only live life once. Try to not let these things trouble you. Just gather the courage and just do what you really want to do. Do what will make you happy. Do anything to make your young days memorable and don't waste it like me. I think you know who you are, and I guess if you need any help, you could always just turn to me. I'd be listening, and you know that.

Well, thing are pretty much in general for me. Alot of funny things happened, but if i get into details, then this is gonna be a pretty weird blog. Of course, one of the most important thing which recently happened in my life was from a sms. So, after actually staying home a few days because I suddenly felt like being an introvert, one morning, on my way to work, my brother actually sent me a sms. It said "Is everything OK with you? Do you have any money problems? You seem to be staying home these few days and that's not very like you. Let me know if you need any help ok?" At first, I started to laugh, because this message just meant that I really don't stay home that often. But then, I realized, that it was one of the sweetest thing I've ever seen. My brother is so concerned over my well being and he noticed and offered to help. As touched as I was, obviously I won't be crying over it, but I think I should be staying home more often and talk to my brother abit more. We've never really talked that much, but somehow we've always been close. He's always there to look out for me, and I will always cherish that. Thank you kor.

So, on with the news. Recently, our office joined in for the Kancil awards ceremony at KLCC. It was kinda cool because it was a REALLY HUGE venue, and I met up with alot of people which I know. Awards were given out that night, and I was pretty proud when most of the commercials which won were actually done by me. But, nobody seemed to notice. And that felt kinda shitty. I guess this awards just isn't the right place for me. But, it would've been cool if someone actually acknowledged my work. We did win an award for the best Audio Post House though. It was cool but my mood just wasn't pretty right for it. Anyways, I doubt anyone will miss my presence on the stage so who cares huh?

Oh, friends are also slowly coming back throughout these few weeks for their holidays from overseas studying. It feels good to know that this sign also means that it'll be the holidays soon because it's the end of the year and we basically don't have much work to do as well. Somehow, I wish I was the one which would be on the way back to Malaysia for a holiday, but I guess it's just my choice to stay here and not go overseas.

So, I'm just currently in the process of acquiring something. Hoping for that to happen will just either take a miracle, or maybe just some time. Hoping that things will work out and allow me to get that and continue on progressing in life. Just Hoping. Just Praying.

Progressing On

2005-11-13T20:56:00.000-08:00

So, I did try to write something earlier yesterday which was much more longer and interesting compared to what you're about to read, but when I pressed Publish Post, it disappeared and everything was gone. This is stupid. I hate them for this.

So, my life has been through alot of thoughts and experiences. Although I'm now at that stage of being an introvert, its just something which is changing me. I'm now seeing things in a different light. But, still sometimes get that same feeling which I used too. Also, trying to understand how a person which I care about so much, can just not notice or care about me when I'm changing and not caring so much about them. Feels like betrayal. Feels painful. Feels saddening. But, I guess things are always that way. You treat a person right, they think you're wrong. But, when you treat a person wrong, they think you're right. This confuses me but I'll just have to understand it.

Recently, I met up with an online friend for the first time. She turned out to be alittle under the bar for me, and after that drink, she started sms'ing me and stuff. Firstly, I didn't know if i got the wrong signals, but it was starting to freak me out alittle. But after a while, I got to thinking that I will NEVER do that to a person. Never shove her aside. Never ignore her. Because I'm usually on the other end of this and I know how much it hurts.

Also, I always wished that my dreams will come true, but somehow, everything usually doesn't turn out right. It seems like life is playing games on you. Now, if only I can learn how to play it as well, then I guess I'll be OK with this whole game thing. Just need a guide or a walkthrough on the game.

So, something else interesting happened to my family recently. My mentor.. my idol.. my brother, recently told me that he suddenly decided that he wanted to settle down. He decided to propose to his girlfriend. This statement collected alot of mixed feelings. Happy for my brother maturing. Excited for having to attend his wedding someday. Funny for never expecting those words to come out of my brother. Thoughtful for thinking how will he attempt to propose. Sad for being the only one alone. And lastly, stressed for being pressured to be married when I'm at his age.

The scenario as what I've heard went like this. She was on vacation and was on her way back to the airport from Bali. He went with a friend and help up a cardboard stating her name like a reception. His friend videotaped the whole thing. And finally, she got too shocked and just said that she'll think about it. I guess it was alittle bit too shocking for her. It kinda is for me as well. So, I don't blame her. Just wish she'd say yes. But, to my brother, GOOD LUCK!

So, I guess I can't remember what I said in my post earlier which got deleted, so I'll have to stop here. I just need to gather up more thoughts and I'll be back later.

A World From Different Eyes

2005-10-20T00:21:00.000-07:00

So I've recently discovered, that everyone around me, well, not EVERYONE but most people, actually notice the way I do things. Pretty much the same way I analyze people and start guessing on what kind of a person they are and also what they're thinking. Well, it was a pretty great shock for me to actually find out that someone which is not close to me at all, actually can tell me things that I myself have not heard. It's something new I guess, to hear it from someone new but its a pretty good eye opener. I felt that I've learnt that not only does my world go around me, but it seems there are always eyes watching you. I never understood that when I was doing my thing or talking to whoever, there was actually someone observing me. This of course is not a bad thing, but I dont' know, I kinda feel that maybe I've always been doing something wrong but I've not noticed it as fast as the person watching me. Maybe I should start realizing what I'm doing and change it so that things are not that obvious. This kinda makes me feel like I'm very predictable. I hate that. So, MUST CHANGE SOON!

Life, as usual, has always been a bore. There are ALOT of questions which I feel are unanswered. Some answers I really really REALLY want to know and there are some answers which I really dont'. But there are also some which I REALLY want to know but I know I shouldn't. Because, sometimes, knowing something might just make things worse. Of course, in my case, not knowing it till later seems like an even terrible experience.

So, I've actually also picked up something recently. That people who treat you good are usually pushed aside, and people who treat you like crap are always in the spotlight. This goes on in every or maybe most of the friendships out there, but I don't understand it. How can these kinda things be happening? Isn't that just weird? Maybe I should change, and start reversing the roles. I wonder how hard is that going to be?

Well, this has been a queer month. Adaptation still seems to be my weaker points I guess. But I'm pretty certain that through numerous occasions of trainings, I'd be able to make myself adapt like a chameleon. But I still guess that being too much of a chameleon would make you hated at times. For not being you at all times. You'd probably be THAT good a chameleon that you dont' even know where or when to stay still. Life is confusing. What the hell were we made for? I'm sure there's some other reason.

Getting used to

2005-10-12T17:51:00.000-07:00

So its been pretty hard adjusting to my surroundings recently. Things are changing, friends are getting different, and work has just not been the same. I guess nothing will ever stay the same. Just don't like the idea of it changing all the time. There have been a few friends which are pretty supportive still. Which I would like to thank them, but they already know who they are.

Work's been a bitch, and I guess this just means that I will make myself go for a well deserved holiday at thailand or something at the end of the year. I would've loved to have gone to Hong Kong, but well, money matters.

Oh, i LOST my ZIPPO =( damn, gonna wait till CNY to get another one. Feels like I'm losing alot of things recently, and that Zippo was with me for 7 years. Damn, it's been that long. Need to start planning to quit soon. lol.

This is pretty much a boring post, but nothing interesting is happening to me, so I'll have to leave it at this. But actually, its not ENTIRELY boring, its just that there's alot of things which I just feel i shouldn't be mentioning here. So, well, just continue living and see what comes along.

Fresh New Start

2005-09-27T01:50:00.000-07:00

So, I just tried to post 1 a couple of minutes ago and I guess it didn't turn out right. Anyways, I was actually saying that I'm currently undergoing a change. A change to make a fresh new start. To make a start in a world where I'm all alone. Not alone as in ALONE, but alone as in with no one to actually tell EVERYTHING to. I'm pretty much a guy who likes to give all my attention to a certain person. Which is basically why I always fall into holes like these.

It's a very tough road to walk. It's also a VERY slow process. I've lost my inspirations in almost EVERYTHING. The only thing I feel good doing now is sleeping. This is because when I go to sleep, I won't think of anything. Well, I will dream, but I always forget the dream within 5 minutes after I wake up. So that won't be much of a problem. So much for long term memory huh?

Well, I won't be writing much in this post because I've actually forgot what I wrote previously, but, all I know is, this is gonna be 1 tough change of lifestyle. It's something which I really don't wanna do, but I seem to have no choice. I was forced to do this, so I guess it's the only way.

I will post more later, but I guess now all I'm saying is how sad I am. So, I guess there'll be more interesting posts once I actually change my mindset. So, till then, it's just this plain old boring crap.

Oh wait, 2 PS's.

1) Hoping Axle will have the best study trip ever.

2) I just noticed a picture I was having. And, it reminded me of what I actually said, "I am like the light"

End of the line

2005-09-19T06:35:00.000-07:00

So, this is really the end of the line I guess. Having discussed with someone, whom I thought was the closest person I have in this world, about me. Discovering that I'm nothing but an irritating fly. A person so fucking irritating that even the shit would stand up and walk away.

This has been a turning point in my life. Having to realize, that I've actually made the BIGGEST mistake in my life. By far the BIGGEST. Which is to have put so much trust into 1 person and later discovering that I've always been looked at as an irritating person rather than a concerned family member. I have lost everything in me. This world just doesn't make any sense to me anymore. I'm angry and sad at the same time. Angry at myself for not even knowing that my way of concerning people would mean irritating them at all times. Sad for having to understand that everything I ever wanted would NEVER be what I wanted it to be.

I have learnt that you shouldn't put too much hope into something. But well, this one seemed unavoidable.I just always thought that a person as caring as that would actually have thought about what kind of a person I am and adapt. According to her, I just wanted too much. Well, I guess it's just my kinda thing to actually want to know everything about a person when I really want to care. I guess, it's time for me to stop caring. Clam up I guess.

But, this is just so dissapointing. I'm dissapointed in myself for not knowing what kind of an irritating person I am. And I'm also dissapointed by someone for not FULLY understanding me. Well, I guess she doesn't have to. She never had. I just thought that I actually did some things for her which made me at least alittle more than a normal friend. It's just my thoughts. And I now realize, that my thoughts are just a useless waste of brain juice.

I just really don't want this to end. But I guess, the only way out for me is to just stop being me. Stop being who I really am and just move away. I guess thats' the best for that certain someone so that she gets her space. That's all she ever wanted. That's all I'm gonna give her.

I really dont' know what to say anymore. My mind has no more thoughts. I feel that I have actually lost all my faith in people. In my judgement. In my life. Life currently has no more meaning to me. I wish this will just end. Basically, I just dont' care anymore. My life has just prematurely ended. Well, not phsyically, but mentally. My mental mind has just ended. And, I doubt I'll ever be able to stand up. All I need is a miracle.

To that important someone, I hope you enjoy your life without the irritations of me. Like I've said, it's the biggest mistake in my life. Which is to trust you with all I've got. I guess, I'll have to learn from this. But, I just hope you'd take care of yourself and not get into something foolish.

I guess I'll have to say an official goodbye here. So, good bye.

Giving up

2005-09-12T17:46:00.000-07:00

I've finally lost it and given up hope on a friend. I thought that she'd be more understanding towards how I usually am. It just seems, I was wrong. It was always just my perception that I found someone which I believed to be a person I could trust and confide with all my problems. Getting scolded for being childish and being too sensitive is not something I haven't heard before. But, well, I've been like that. Always. And having someone which I thought was close to me actually say that, just meant that I have been pretty foolish to think that she trully understands me. Or at least for the fact that she would give me the benifit of the doubt and try to understand my position.

All I ever asked for was trust and just having someone treat me nice some times would be a good thing. But, nothing. Absolutely nothing. Well, maybe for just 1 week. But that's it. I doubt that day will ever come again, so I guess I only have 1 way out of this.

About a problem which I've yet to comment on, all I've gotta say is you're treading on VERY dangerous water. You know what's gonna happen because you have always mentioned it to me that it's a very wrong thing. And it's something you never want. I know that having it being an accidental thing is something you can't avoid. But, you've always done that. You know that it's something which is dangerous, but yet you still give signs. Anyways, who cares what the hell is my opinion anyways. Doesn't matter anymore I guess. Whatever gets your clock ticking k? I guess the only thing I can say is to enjoy your life. Just thought that there'd be more to this than just what you think about yourself. Because that's what you always say. "Why are you thinking about yourself?" Well, guess what? You've been doing it ALL the time. So, think about it before you start saying it out.

Lost it

2005-09-09T16:24:00.000-07:00

Having a friend which I trust alot is something i only find once in a blue moon. It's actually a very hard thing for me to find a person where I'll be able to tell out everything that has happened to me or will happen or whatever. And, it seems that I'm usually always not on the same page as the other person.

Having a person whom I treat nice, caring and feel responsible for, is something i feel like making a big mistake. This is because, I see that person treating other people with the greatest warmnest, but nothing at my direction. I feel that it's only me doing this and getting nothing in return. Not even a question of care or concern. Neither do I get any benifits or happiness from it. I know the saying goes, give alittle get alittle. But, well, it just seems that I've always been giving with nothing for me to get back. It is alittle selfish for me to expect something in return, but I think that at this rate, it's just going to be at my loss. At my foolishness.

Speechless

2005-09-05T13:54:00.000-07:00

Things are alittle different now. I feel that I'm actually in a time zone whereby I'm mostly alone. Surrounded by people who are just there for the sake of it. Not for me. Maybe I'm losing it. Maybe I'm just getting weird. But I just somehow feel that something very wrong is happening to me.

I'm actually just a person in need of attention. Seeing that I'm a Leo, I think it's pretty common. But the fact that most people actually know I like the attention, but yet seem to put it FAR out of my reach is really disappointing. Maybe it's about time I realize that I should be moving on and finding other friends which actually need me to be there all the time. It's gonna be a very hard thing to do, but well, staying on at this position will just bring me down the drain. I just feel I should learn how to stay away from people and just have control over myself without anyone there helping me out.

About being speechless, it kinda gets me wondering, how can I have nothing to say at all? That's actually a very new thing to me. Usually I'd have loads to blabber out from my mouth, but it seems that things are changing as well, and I just happen to have lost all the things which I want to say. But, of course, having the other person say very little in return or nothing at all would obviously make it even harder for me to refresh my memory and say it later.

And, having someone to trust, is something i find difficult in obtaining. Well, trusting someone is easy, but to have both parties trusting each other is alittle different. I guess these kinda things are mainly in a 1 way traffic kinda situation. I think close to about 70% of the people out there are always on a 1 way traffic situation, so I guess I'm not the only one with this problem. That's why I think avoiding this would also be another way to do it. Confronting just ain't gonna get me nowhere besides an empty pitch-black dead end which is a road I don't wanna get on.

This blog actually makes no sense at all, but I guess writing this will just make me feel alittle better. But, well, that's what blogs are for isn't it?

Life

2005-08-31T02:20:00.000-07:00

So, after having someone breakdown right in front of me and burst out crying because of the death of a close relative just got me thinking. Thinking of 2 things even.

Firstly, having being there for a person to cry out felt like a good thing because it seemed that I was there at the right time and place. Also, it kinda makes me feel that I would be the person to search for when someone needs a shoulder to cry on. Feels nice. Also makes me feel like I'm actually needed. But, of course, having a person break down in front of me, and me just looking on helplessly and not being able to help really breaks me from the inside. I just wish sometimes that I would have the power to do some things, but reality stops me from becoming what I dream to be, and I would just be left there, unable to help the ones I love. I guess, sometimes, things are just meant to be. You can never help out on EVERYTHING because its just something no man is able to do.

Secondly, having someones relative pass away just got me thinking. What if someday, it happens to someone really close to me? What if it happens to someone who's really really close to a really really close friend of mine? Would I actually be able to cope with it? Having to accept the fact that someone has actually left the face of the earth, and will never be coming back is something quite hard to accept. What would be even worse, is if you never knew that person well enough. Having a close relationship would make the leaving harder, but at least you would have more memories to hang on to. So, maybe I should treasure everyone I have around me. Calling them from time to time, trying to cheer them up when they're sad or even tell them a very spontaneous "I Love You". I just believe that life is too short, and it will drive past you like a bullet train until you actually hit something SO hard, that time will seem to stop and that's when you will realize that you never did enough to cherish the times with that someone. So, treasure what you have always, because NOTHING will last forever.

I would like to dedicate this post to my dear sis, whom I know is strong enough to handle all the pressure she has along with the addition of the passing of her aunt. She has moved on to a better place, so be happy for her, not mourn for her. And just remember her for being one of the very few nicest people whom you've ever met in you entire lifetime.

Ps: Happy Merdeka Malaysia.

Post Singapore Trip

2005-08-30T00:23:00.000-07:00

So, Singapore was a BLAST! It was a really fun trip despite the tiredness and lack of sleep. But it was really made fun by of course, the 2 most important girls i know, Melisa and Cheryl of course. Having to finally meet Cheryl seemed like a dream, because I never expected that I would meet her until at least another 4-5 years time, but it happened, and she was the friendliest host I'd ever met. This of course along with her loving boyfriend Ken, which was also a real good host. Thanks alot guys.

Ok, despite getting lost at the beginning of the trip, it turned out alright after some shopping with my sis. But, shopping with her just got me thinking, "If only I were richer" and then I'd be able to continue walking around orchard without any thought of the financial aspect of shopping. I really didn't want to stop her from shopping her heart out because it would all be worth it to see that smile on her face and have her beam from one jaw to the other. But, of course, I ain't driving no Ferarri, so i couldn't. Sorry sis, but I hope that you'd like your presents ok?

Coming back to reality is actually pretty shitty. Really didn't feel like leaving Singapore and coming back to work and also remembering all the added stress which i get from everywhere. But, I guess I just can't run away from that now can I? Well, I guess I'll just have to make my life alittle bit more spicy and interesting by actually moving off and just enjoying my company with anyone. It's gonna be hard, but if I don't do that, I'd probably die a lonely death.

This is kinda going nowhere, so I think i'd probably continue it another day. Hopefully with alittle more sense?

Singapore!

2005-08-26T20:52:00.000-07:00

So, it's a Friday night and I have already been fully recharged by taking a day off from work to get ready for my Singapore trip tonight. Only filled by a small group, it consists of Wen Wei, Shu Wei, Chin and also, my surprise guest, my dear sister Melisa. Everything at first seemed to be flawless with the mention of this trip, but due to alot of unforseen circumstances, problems occured. Nothing too hard to handle, but I just hope this trip will be worth it. Seeing that Melisa is following, I guess it will be. =)

Of course, my late night journey to Genting this morning was worth it for an additional 300 for Singapore. Of course, with the exchange rate of 2.28, it ain't gonna be much.

There's actually alot of things on my mind which I feel I should be writing out on this blog, but I guess I'm still waiting for the right time to actually sit down and spill it all out. Seeing that I'm going to Singapore alittle later, I'm guessing that I really shouldn't put myself down in any way since this is gonna be a HOLIDAY!

So, I'm crossing my fingers for a SUPERB but yet short holiday which will just make spending all this time and money worth it. Shop till you DROP! Updates will probably come only next week, but who the hell is reading this anyways? Till then...

Testing it out

2005-08-24T15:00:00.000-07:00

This is just a very simple test on whether a blog would be my kinda thing because most of the time, i just wouldn't type out how i feel. Doing a drinking session would be much better. =) or even a game of mahjong. Will need the sun to go down before i start doing this. At least i'll say nicer or even more interesting things. =)